Last year. Especially on those 2weeks. I pray a lot as usual. Not for everything what i need in future but to make everything i have in past and present to stay.
There is so much wires on my head that i could not aside which one should i cut. And by the day past. I become scared with my own tail and greedy to ask more. And i start to against what i should not. And i turn everything that against me to become my enemy. I hate everything and i hate everything and i hate everything. Which at the peak of my hate i want to kill everything that annoyed me..
So i curious.. what did i pray? Why Allah test me with the same tests. If he knows that i could never change to be better than why he still gift me this breath? While my sins is grow and tall. While my faith is at the high peak to ups and down..
And through the test He still give me the chance to love and care the person that brings out me to the world. That care me dearly, spoils me dearly, and why i still greed? Why my hatred is growing? why i still questioned?
So.. i don't deserve to teaching kids.. how can someone mess on her head to teach a kids. What if the mess turn over to the kids? What the world will become? So again i questioned... if i don't teach kid what i will become?
Aside from that, those kids heal my heart.. those kids give me lesson, those kids make me want to be better and showing up better.. those kids make me forget how hateful i am.. my life would be worst without kids.. their bright gave me another life to live in the world i live.
And most important.. they could be the reason we'll meet in paradise.. i could never be someone better. I could be a killer root in jail.. no.. i could be ungrateful person till the end.. i could be humble and generous.. and surely i could be everything that i want. It's just i did'nt start yet.. or maybe the process is still growing slowly living inside my body..
so please Allah.. if i don't deserve to live in anymore then please.. take me when i am better to myself and dearly love you.. please.. if today is better than yesterday or even worst than in future.. just take me today.. i don't want to grow and tall my sins to you or anyone.. please Allah. Grant my wish..