Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Toxic people

I don't know either I or you.

But one thing for sure. We are stranger now.  From stranger become friends. Become a very special. Then become stranger again. I told you many time. I really don't have anyone else that close to me. Only you. You and you. But unlucky me when you make that distance. You kept update frustrated angry dissapointed  and emotional status. Which again I don't know if the objective is for me or I'm overwhelmed by that status.

So today you update again.

I don't know if I were doing wrong. I don't know if I'm sensitive. But surely now I know how important I am to you. Not as much as I really want you to be part of my life. I never thought to become strangers again to someone I really know. I want to care. I want to share what ever happened and I feel with. But then I wrong.. more I want that relationship become closer then yes it was vice versa.

I want to take whatever you update was nothing  which not related with me. But I just can't. Now I take it as seriously. If that's not about us then you never act like you never know me. Your silence. Your ignorance. Why we have to be this way.

I want you know. What ever happe ndned  you may hurt by me. I'm sorry. But I won't sorry for being ignorant too. This time. I won't be easy. As it's  your time to to make things right again. If I as important you in part of my life.

Even I don't own anyone I won't crawl seeking for you to be there for me. I will survive.


Thursday, February 28, 2019

Hola long time no see and Never again

Hi. I'm back.

Just to keep what is happening in this 2 month.

1st saman polis dengan kesalahan tidak memakai tali pinggang keledar. Settled with 75 percent discount. This happened during kindergarten 18convocation. Rushing to buy some balloons for the drama aci aci buka pintu as flying owl.

2nd on the way to school. The car wheel suddenly bocor. Tak ternampak lubang on the road. Done and settled with change that wheel.

3rd got a small accident during my Hoc wedding. Got a wassap msg which the contents is asking for help. The bride need me to go to the center to pickup her laptop. And time pass without my consciousness. Someone crashed the car when i change my lane. Having a panic attack. Sweating and struggling to continue calm. Dealing with negotiate which we repair our own car with no police report. Not yet settled which the cost probably around 300 to 400 Ringgit Malaysia.

4th Saturday half day working. Drive a car to school. Around 2pm arrived home. Slightly not on purpose. My tangan dengan jayanya infringed lampu kereta. Almost 18 hour from 2pm in the evening until 7.10 am Sunday morning. Car battery totally lost.  Need to change to a new one.

5th losing my queen (female cat) 2day before I went to putrajaya. Most heartbreaking time. Crying the whole night. Life must go on. Hiding the sadness. Working as usual. Joking angry smile as always. But never can't deny that day most gloomy day. Luckily with having young children around which help me moving and being active.

5th back home with a good new. My queen come back.  Bring my queen to the vet and she got injection. Wake up. Go to work. In evening Dady said my queen is dead. i don't know this feeling. I don't cry. Not saying I don't feel sad but empty. This queen remind me of the situation I wanted to forget the most but a very hurting memory that I have miss for.  If just I know. Yes if also is already hurting. Never ending. I pray that my queen will be fine in heaven with hope she is going to accompany my dearest love there. Oh I cried. Sob. Sob. Yuyu. You are not my first cat but you are gonna be my last cat. I'm sorry if this 3year I changed a lot toward you. Not because I don't love you.  Not because I don't care but I try hard to forget the most hurting me. You got unmatured owner. I'm sorry. I seriously don't know what is going happen next but if there is one thing I do good for you. Please take me with you to heaven. Please pray that I will better inside and out.

I love both of you
I miss both of you
I will be fine
I will be ok


Sunday, September 23, 2018


I can list one for now

If you stress, when you hungry you go to eat and you eat.
If you depress, when you hungry you don't go to eat and you don't eat.

Now.  I really hungry. I eat 1 and half roti canai during breakfast, 2 keropok in evening dan mungkin half choc bread after finish the event. Now at 12 midnight I really really feel hungry.

At least I got food to ate.  Why not thankful?

I delivered my task today. Not so great but I just done. I'm not proud myself. In crowded people at least 100 ++ people there I feel so alone and lonely.

Once upon a time I don't remember when exact year ago.  I wish to hold a mic. I thought she/he is so cool. Everyone have an eyes for her/him. But when my wish I think came true. I just not so proud of myself. I thought of what people think of me.  And this is ridiculous. Why the thought mess my mind?

Why I am so not thankful? 

Always take things take people for granted.

And I hungry and go to eat something.

H for me  H for hungry

Monday, September 3, 2018

A little brighter day

Bismillah and Alhamdulillah.

Today I feel more better. Through ups and down my emotion journey is just really tough. I know I need to help myself through the adventure itself.

From home to work to self. It's all turning around 390 degree. Not a day or 2 day. But every second I breathe. Sangat sesak dengupan jantung seperti jatuh dari bangunan yang tinggi dan ditikam menggunakan senjata tajam. Very pain.

I sleep early switch off light early and like to stay in the dark.  Light gave me pain. Headache and anxious. And during I sleep I walk. My brain still processing. With one after another dream. And when in the morning. The dream keep disturbing my days. Suffocate.

Ya Allah.
Ya Allah.
Ya Allah.

If I am in pain. Please Allah let be only me. If I'm in hurt with human word please reward me with sabar. And turn me someone better than they and I think of me.

O'Allah guide me with light path. Guide me to my ambition. Guide me to be what I want to be and what I want to have. Help me Allah. 

Ya Rahman.  Give me your love. Please let me feel your love.. I want your love.

Ya Rahim. Kasihi aku. Jangan sisihkan Aku ya Allah. Jika suatu hari aku hilang dalam kasih sayang manusia itu mungkin lebih baik dari kehilangan rasa kasih dari mu Ya Allah. Tuhanku. Penciptaku.

Jangan tinggalkanku Tuhan


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