Sunday, June 21, 2020

Sumpah ku

Salain dari perasaan sedih kecewa marah. 

Aku juga sering terganggu dengan bayangan memegang pisau dan aku ugut untuk bunuh diri dan aku halakan pisau itu pada siapa yang menyebabkan aku terancam. 

Suara aku garau dan menempelak siapa sahaja didepan aku. 

Halangan demi halangan aku tempis dengan kasar. 

Aku menjerit sesungguhnya. Mata,aku jeling. Badan aku mengeras.

Pelbagai sumpahan dan cacian keluar dari mulut. 

.....

Tidak ini bukan aku. Aku menampar pipi beberapa kali. Aku katakan ; Ini bukan aku, aku masih berfikir logik. 

menjerit terlolong-lolong. Sang suara tidak kedengaran. Tidak itu bukan aku! 


Lalu  bayangan makin kabur dan menghilang. Datang dan pergi tidak diundang.

Besyukur Tuhan masih sayang.  Aku masih mengawal diri.

Namun jika ia berulang kembali.. mampukan suara hatiku menutupinya lagi?

Takut pada ketidak tahanan diri.. Aku bukan sang gagah.. jiwa ku rapuh dan senang sekali terkoyak. 

Aku takut jika tidak lagi terkawal maka aku bukan lagi aku. 

....

Tinggalkan aku sendiri. biarkan aku bermonolog sendiri.. Tutup mulut kamu. Lari. 

Jangan sampai kau terbunuh.



Bersambung....


Jika punggung tidak cukup panas untuk berdiri.. gunakan matamu untuk melihat.. gunakan telingamu untuk mendengar.. hati untuk merasa.. '

tapi malangnya.. lidahmu panjang dan tajam dalam berkata-kata.. hingga katakatamu yang remeh menjadi kecil.. laju membesar dan tinggi.. menggoncang para kayu yang hampir roboh..


sukarkah untuk berkata hal yang baik? sukarkah untuk menuturkan perkataan yang elok? sukarkah untuk mengalah? 


menegak benang yang basah.. yang jika benar mengikut perkiraanmu, tiada rugi untuk berhenti.. yang jika salah mengikut pandanganmu tiada sia-sia untuk berhenti..


jika kamu sememangnya kuat.. yang cekal hatinya kenapa masih ingin berlawanan? yang biasa-biasa saja menjadi luar biasa.. dari menasihati menjadi hinaan? 

kerana ada diantara kita masih belum tahu perbezaan.. 

Marah itu nanti responsnya bagaimana?

sedih itu bagaimana pula?

kecewa menangis, menjerit, terdiam lain lagi..


kerana ada dianatara kita suka mencampuradukkan semua.. selagi boleh menengakkan apa yang dirasa lalu membiarakan sang ikan didaratan..


mungkinkah perlu munculnya watak baru? .....



Bersambung....



A friend to be A stranger

I don't know either I or you.

But one thing for sure. We are stranger now.  From stranger become friends. Become a very special. Then become stranger again. I told you many time. I really don't have anyone else that close to me. Only you. You and you. But unlucky me when you make that distance. You kept update frustrated angry, disappointing  and emotional status. Which again I don't know if the objective is for me or I'm overwhelmed by that status.

So today you update again.

I don't know if I were doing wrong. I don't know if I'm sensitive. But surely now I know how important I am to you. Not as much as I really want you to be part of my life. I never thought to become strangers again to someone I really know. I want to care. I want to share what ever happened and I feel with. But then I wrong.. more I want that relationship become closer then yes it was vice versa.

I want to take whatever you update was nothing  which not related with me. But I just can't. Now I take it as seriously. If that's not about us then you never act like you never know me. Your silence. Your ignorance. Why we have to be this way.

I want you know. What ever happened  you may hurt by me. I'm sorry. But I won't sorry for being ignorant too. This time. I won't be easy. As it's  your time to to make things right again. If I as important you in part of my life.

Even I don't own anyone I won't crawl seeking for you to be there for me. I will survive.

Pusing
teamoHada

March,12,2019

Rejecting a job mail

Salam.

Thank you for offering to work into your team. I am glad with that. As you know your school has been my wish school to work with since last few year but after having a deep thought, here is one of the reason i could not directly say yes.

Firstly, is about salary offer. What can i do to make you offer me a bit higher than my present job? I cannot lose 160 penny for my long last seeking job as 160 penny if collected into 12 month i can have another place to go and explore to.. As i mentioned during our interview i really love to walk our small world. It does not matter how near or far i can go but during the journey i treasure, i believed i can have something value from it.

Secondly, because it's my seeking job i wished for long. I cannot lose it too. I cannot past this job for 160 penny. So i would like to challenged myself for reserved with a bit higher salary confirmation job. So this is my idea, If you would not mind and to allowed myself to enter you school,  i am willing to volunteer my self 2 hours in your schools for 3 times either Friday or Saturday evening,  From that, you can give me whatever task and i will try my best to fit in during those period.

Thirdly My present job also is not a joke. But i love to make a joke with my treasure children. Leaving my comfort environment of course would be a big deal for me too. I don't want to lose something i treasure for something i wish. But at the same time i don't want to regret for something i don't try.

I will deal with whatever decision you make. Whether to stay reserve with a bit higher salary or as you mentioned through the interview. Even if i could not pass this period i surely can deal with it as long as i have tried. Its a win win situation if you think more about it. 3 time in 2 hour per session. Its a volunteer with no paid. And yes i can come next week if you allowed. Then we can have another end mark decision.

Thank you



nah.. boleh ke macamni? can you suggest any other ideas?



JOBSEEKER,@tH


Saturday, June 20, 2020

pokok


untuk menjadi sebatang pokok. pokok itu harus bersaing antara pokok pokok yang lain.. jika hidup.. bernafaslah ia.. tumbuh tinggi.. masih rapuh.. ada juga yang sasa.. mengikut jenis keturunan dan baka.. mengikut didikan dan suntikan kasih serta belaian..

Menjadi sebatang pokok tumbuh kuat, tinggi dan gah bukan perkara sukar dan tidaklah mudah.. tiada yang tidak indah dalam proses pokok membesar.. dan tidaklah juga indah sentiasa.. ada hari ditimpa hujan, petir, kilat dan ribut.. ada hari matahari terang benderang.. panas mencengkam ke perut bumi tanpa rasa titisan air bumi.. menjadi pokok.. se gah pokok berdiri antara pokok lain.. tidak mahu pentingkn diri ingin berbahagi kelebihan.. akhirnya mungkin dimakan diri.. 

begitulah pokok yang adakalanya menjadi tempat berteduh dan adakalanya menjadi tempat berkepentingan hal lain.. namun pokok masih tetap berjasa... masih tetap berdiri hingga nafas akhirnya.. dipanah petir mahupun dipotong potong badannya.. sedang pokok lain bersedih tp hidup mesti diteruskn dengan berjuang untuk terus memberi manfaat.. 

pokok.. penuh misteri.. semakin tinggi.. semakin berani.. mengeluarkan dahan dahan dan sekali lagi perlu bersaing..sekali lgi melalui proses proses seperti pokok.. namun kedaan makin rapuh.. makin halus.. jika rapuh terlalu awal sudah mengalah.. jika tidak bersedia tiba tiba sudah ditanah.. dipatah patah dan di pijak pijak.. namun tetap dahan mahupun pokok tetap saja masih berguna..  

siapa tidak mahu menjadi si pokok.. tapi tidak juga lahirnya hanya dahan dahan.. 


pokok,
tH
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