Sunday, September 23, 2018


I can list one for now

If you stress, when you hungry you go to eat and you eat.
If you depress, when you hungry you don't go to eat and you don't eat.

Now.  I really hungry. I eat 1 and half roti canai during breakfast, 2 keropok in evening dan mungkin half choc bread after finish the event. Now at 12 midnight I really really feel hungry.

At least I got food to ate.  Why not thankful?

I delivered my task today. Not so great but I just done. I'm not proud myself. In crowded people at least 100 ++ people there I feel so alone and lonely.

Once upon a time I don't remember when exact year ago.  I wish to hold a mic. I thought she/he is so cool. Everyone have an eyes for her/him. But when my wish I think came true. I just not so proud of myself. I thought of what people think of me.  And this is ridiculous. Why the thought mess my mind?

Why I am so not thankful? 

Always take things take people for granted.

And I hungry and go to eat something.

H for me  H for hungry

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Tiny support

I didn't ask for free. I want to borrow and I will paid back later.  How do I pay is depend on myself.

What if I don't buy what I want to buy. I still borrow what is your. Even more I have to heard your complaint and excuses.

One said:

Did ever I cannot use what not belong to I? Yes you you sometime give an excuses. And really hard to say yes.  Golden ring in your mouth. You not put your on my shoes. You're saying that what I want is not that much important meanwhile i stay can used what and when I needed always. You said that I want what I want in urgently without thinking deeper. Do you think if long ago, you got what I don't own like for now. You can use them?  No.  And dream on! With the difference journey and time. Hey!  I think you just forgot your own feel after you own what you want!  And please why you must  to compare for what you don't have after now with what I have right now that not belong to mine with you got long ago and it's yours.  Don't confuse with the past and future. Which I need a tiny support and you gave me irritated comment.

Again I'm not asked for free. And please I just cannot hold anymore. Yes I feel thank for all the while you you or any you gave me but to feel thank after sometime with irritated feeling I just cannot. Yes I'm sensitive and so what?  Yes I'm spoiled and so what? Yes I just need tiny support which I really want what I want just now.

Crying 😭
Daddy I'm sorry made you worried again.
I tried my best to do not but you push me and act like not thankful child.

So it's month with okay and not okay. Makin tua makin tak malu. 😭


Monday, September 3, 2018

A little brighter day

Bismillah and Alhamdulillah.

Today I feel more better. Through ups and down my emotion journey is just really tough. I know I need to help myself through the adventure itself.

From home to work to self. It's all turning around 390 degree. Not a day or 2 day. But every second I breathe. Sangat sesak dengupan jantung seperti jatuh dari bangunan yang tinggi dan ditikam menggunakan senjata tajam. Very pain.

I sleep early switch off light early and like to stay in the dark.  Light gave me pain. Headache and anxious. And during I sleep I walk. My brain still processing. With one after another dream. And when in the morning. The dream keep disturbing my days. Suffocate.

Ya Allah.
Ya Allah.
Ya Allah.

If I am in pain. Please Allah let be only me. If I'm in hurt with human word please reward me with sabar. And turn me someone better than they and I think of me.

O'Allah guide me with light path. Guide me to my ambition. Guide me to be what I want to be and what I want to have. Help me Allah. 

Ya Rahman.  Give me your love. Please let me feel your love.. I want your love.

Ya Rahim. Kasihi aku. Jangan sisihkan Aku ya Allah. Jika suatu hari aku hilang dalam kasih sayang manusia itu mungkin lebih baik dari kehilangan rasa kasih dari mu Ya Allah. Tuhanku. Penciptaku.

Jangan tinggalkanku Tuhan


Sunday, August 26, 2018

Ugly | fat, acne and scars

People just really forget that they also can become like the one they don't like. Without showing any regrets,  then they saying ugly things. They forgot that everything they said can actually came back to them.  Toing2 melantun balik.

What is ugly?  It would be never ending list. We can't deny. When it was ugly than it was.  People perspective view. However here is the biggest challenge in life with the struggle that need to face. Especially women.

Problem with body parts. Some people struggling with this since they are young.  Getting fat was not their choice. They don't eat a lot. But when they eat,  there will come with voice who said something like : you'r still eating?  Like so what? When they eat a very little. These people said they are on diet. Bla bla bla.  And more with another voice who will said you never lost fat. What the hell is their thought is? these people don't like your perspective of beauty and please watch your mouth when they are still nice. And there is also people who tried being nice when they (fat people) actually ask for their view. Like still want to deny. No no. You are not fat.  And plus minus telling they are the one who having obesity. Meanwhile they actually not at all. What the heck is their thought? Telling a truth is helping them to see their flaws.  But when you do body shaming that would be the real ugliest of you.

Secondly is having acne and scars on face. Beauty is flawless in physical. Thing that is real.  We can see.  We can touch and feel it.  Both men and women first falling in love is from the face. That Aura Will attract them to know more about the person. But when you don't pretty and more with scars and acne.  The possibility to attract people will lower. Then the struggle will join you to fight the challenge the person is facing. 

This world will be more scary with so many witch.  Cursing and not saying nicer things. Perspective of beauty. I Hope people grow up.  Saying nice things to people.  If they don't see nothing.  Then be quiet.

I shared the screenshot I read it from fatimah aunt and hope you and I will learn from it.




Am not good in a person.  But to be better is always the things that I want to achieve for now. And I failed. Not once. It's all over and keep turning around.  Can't you imagined how is my head doing and half half brain.  No place to stay and keep wondering. Nowhere to go until it's beating hard my heart. Yes it never can be easy or simple but surely will getting more complicated if I don't entertain myself. I know the chance of the changing and charging the positivity is  high.  Or maybe over the temperature. And I can't myself remain in the environment.

A regret feeling would never have an ending. Even if you want too.  Not to deny but to learn to pass.

I want to go away.  Far and far.  From this hectic life but actually my hectic brain.  I want to end this movie. I don't want another episode after another. It's tiring and pain in pain.

These feelings somehow eating me alive when I cannot feel my own feelings. Sometimes it's showing but more to hiding.  And empty.


Sunday, August 19, 2018

Letter A using LEGO

Circle the number

The activity objective is only recognize number. 

Not writing the number. Because each child has their own pace.  Do not force the child to write when they are not ready.  Lets sharping their fine motor skills first. 

So. I found the child not even know how to make a circle. Either they do not know what is circle or not understand my question.  That why, when you give a child a question. Make short and simple. 

After showing example and asking other child friend to show how to do then it boost the child confidence to try. 

Alhamdullillah.  Now not only they recognize number but can write and count. 


Worksheet tracing

1.It develops grasp skills and fine motor skills  (a pre-cursor to writing) 

2. Can develops visual-spacial skills

3. surely makes children feel successful and boosts child confidence

5. Can gives them time to concentrate

6. boosts communication skills (talking about the image)

7.It uses both sides of the brain

Writing ABC not simple or easy peasy as you think.  You are done your part during you kid. But never force your children to write as they still not ready.  Encourage them. Do lots of fine motor skills that move their little finger. 


Body tracing activity

In the month of August we talk and discuss  how the different parts of our body work. We also do work book and watching video that led to discussions about body functions, self-image and our images of others. 

Each child had the chance to trace a friend body.  The result was a great lesson in teamwork and pride in their artwork. We put a label of the body and we talk about the do and don't. We also sing a song about body. 

Body tracing is an activity that encourages talking, turn-taking and co-operating. Your child can practice important social skills when he works with another person to trace, provide a wonderful opportunity to reinforce positive messages about body image and help your child feel comfortable with his body and all the amazing things it can do.

After all.  Body tracing is fun activity to do with children.  

What you need:


Pencil color/crayon or marker

A child body to trace

If you have done do this activity, mind to share your lesson from the activity.

Here is the photo taken from the activity.


Am I wake up in someone else dream

Mulakan dengan bismillah..

My yesterday routine

1. I sleep late. In between 2/3 am something
2. I woke up early in the morning and go to work.
3. In lunch. Come back home and watching movie till evening.
4. Evening.  Went to mall. 
5. Night.  Make science experiment with little pill.

I didn't day sleep.

But still I cannot sleep earlier during night. Right Now is 3am.

Yes.  I'm mentally tired.  Feel itchy headache. But my mind still talking and eyes still bright.. Seriously is exhausting.

And tomorrow is working.

Am I wake up in someone else dream?

Please stop dream me. Find me. And meet me.

Mind talking,

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Give up


As usual.  Still late sleep.  Walaupun dah menguap berpuluh Kali.

Give up. Hmm. My coworker ask me today.  Have you ever felt give up? Look like I'm questioning myself and answered myself.  This word keep getting twisted in my head. 

I give up but I have to raise my chin.
I give up but my head can't look down.
I give up but I have to open my eyes.
I give up but I my hearing kept sending the message.
I give up but I have my voice.
I give up but I can't close my nose.
I give up but my hands need to walk together with my legs.
I give up but my stomach always need to fill up.
I give up but my brain always working harder.
I give up but my breathing still need the air.
I give up but I have to have brush my teeth.
I give up I need to care my personal hygiene.
I give up but I need to stand up.

Yes.  I do have this.  Often.  But I cannot stand to taste my give up than to fill up all my BUT. 

I'm not good in waiting.  But I'm better in turning my mind about the reward after. So then. I take my breath slowly and hold and hold.  Even though I can feel the burning inside all my body.

Yes.  I do give up.  Yesterday. And now. Let's us fight this energy. Let turn into positive.

P/S: if you own any tips to share.  Let's me know. 


Saturday, July 28, 2018

After a while. Stain still there.

We meet again dearly diary .

To start with Salam so I don't spend a waste rubbish word here.  Even though I really need to vomit all bad word. I just don't want to do for now. My feelings is exhausting, messy no jolly mood.  And it's killing me slowly. I have read somewhere but I forgot where and when.

If you love to write then write " a nice things so you will remember how happy you are in the past"

I somewhat agree with the statement. But  you have no loss when you wrote your flaws. You will see your immature part or might see how strong you have been to get through your past. Isn't?  Hmm.

No more word to share.  Just to share last 5 days ago I cried. I don't know is it for good or nothing good. And tonight I cannot sleep earlier . That thought came back after a while.

Oh Allah.  Please don't take me away from you.  Oh Allah...


Monday, May 7, 2018

The corpse living the world

I said and they said.

People will never understand.
How I wish I had everything.

Voice. Power. Wealth.

Not because I'm not grateful.
But exactly. I just don't own anything.

In my evil mind.

I wish.
I can voice out my feel.

When I really do.
They said I'm rude.
When I keep close my mouth
They said I created something to fight.
When I shut my voice.
They just names all the bad in I.

I wish.
When I'm done.
They hear my word seriously.
They never understand.
That why they play the recorder again.

They said I'm overly sensitive.
But they forget when they do.

They said I'm judgemental.
But they forget when they do.

When I told something that I can't share with others. And they just play it without loading. You know.  It's the end.

They said I'm grumpy.
But they forget when they do.

They said I'm being egoistic.
But they forget when they do.

They said I'm sarcastic.
But they forget when they do.

For what I did.
For what I just do.
For what I never do.

Complain. Unsatisfied. Difficult.
Anything that no good is all from i.
And when they do all that.
They just forget. And it's fine.


One thing for sure.
The difference between they and I.

Just one.

Forgive and revenge.

For them.
They easily forgive.
Include themselves.
Never take heart.

For I.
You should feel whatever I feel.
You gain whatever I gain.
And I just don't take easy.


Things that same.

They and I.
We will never say a sorry.
In whatever circumstances.
Either are wrong or aren't.


the disadvantages is all to I who want anyone feel whatever I feel.
Because everything I do is all bad in everyone eyes.

You just never know when you aren't in their shoes.

How's difficult she/he trying to drive his/her life.

In future,  if you have this three:

Use wisely.

Use fairly.

Divide by part.

And after all. 

Remember how's it feel when you don't own anything.

If you want to pay back. Either good or back. Remember how it feels.

Go go go ahead
Be be be the best
Go ahead
Be the best

If you want to compete
No compete with other
Compete between you
The inner winner is in you.

You and I,
They and I,

Sunday, May 6, 2018

A bad dream


Last night I got a dream. I don't know it's a bad dream or not but that turn my day into gloomy...


I work really hard today.  I make my brain busy but still can't stop thinking that dream..


Everything is not going on my control.  I feel really sick again. Like a knife that stab on my chest..


They just won't understand.  They saying I'm weak. I'm in the lowest point. And I don't know where I can climb to the peak again.

Why Allah. I hated it.

I don't belong here.


Saturday, April 14, 2018

I need a break

Long time.  A very long time.
Assalamualaikum and Salam Israk Mikhraj. May Allah guide and bless us in everything we doing. Insyaallah.

Sigh.  It was a long night.  Yesterday and the day before yesterday night. A very long night. I could not close my eyes.  My mind keep talk and talk. I many time to stop in whatever saying in mind. close my ear and eyes. But nothing is working for me even my body don't cooperate. Poorly me. 

What's in mind that keep hunting me to real talk but I just cant.  I'm very sick.  Sick.  Even here I just cannot typing what is that actually. Im tottaly feeling insecure. I don't really not know why.

My life. Nothing good.  I keep doing the same thing. I get easily bored and frustrated by myself. I want something else but I never have a chance. I keep remembering history. I scared a lot. I blamed myself for not being good in past so in present . I never forget the pain I have been through and hateful. I never change. And I kept all by myself. I lies myself.

I want to scream.  I want my voice can be heard.  I want tells everything that give my heart so much pain.  I hate for this. Because I knew people will never understand. They will saying I'm weak.  They will saying I'm stupid.  They will saying I'm ugly not mature enough. Yes yes yes.  I don't. And never move on.

My brain just not working well.  My heart beating so fast. My blood is running not in direction.  My body is getting weak. I'm tired.  Everytime this happened. I never get ease or peace. I got headache. I got toothache.i got stomach ache. I restless. My emotion swing to South to the North to the west to the east.  Keep rounding and bouncing.

I tried so hard to get my mentally balance. I listen positive talk.  I subscribed so many inspired website. I working really hard. I playing a lot.  I go to shopping. I enjoy seeing beach. I talk to people. I cook.  I wash.  I clean. I go travel.  I enjoy food.  But this is not even last for an hour. After I finished my task. That sick coming back. Allah.  I want to ask why. Why I can't even afford to face a small test when you give a big big test to others. Please Allah.  Forgive me. For being this weak.


Sunday, February 4, 2018

Calm down yoga

Calm down yoga. Not only for kids but for you who need the most calmness. Kid come and ask everyday;

Teacher how many days school left.  Ask the same question and answered the same answers.

So. No only the kids.  The teacher too,everyday count the day that past by.  Everyday hope the day goes fast. Flow smooth. 

Nothing interesting that blow the hair naturally.  It's just the wind from hair dryer. That forcing to dry. Exhausted.



Punca stress yang maha hebat adalah bila you started to think of things yang tiada hala tuju. Why. When. Where. What. How. Wondering around that nowhere to go. Pathetic. Lethargic.
And everything's is all turned good when you started berangan. Hey!  It's going to come true.  Dream guys!  Sampai terbang. Kalau jatuh, doa semoga tersangkut didahan pokok Durian. Tercalar sedikit. Alah bisa tegal biasa.  Nikmat Rasa Dan hikmatnya. Insyaallah menyusul datang. Key is make a believe.  Ya Latif Ya Latif Ya Latif. Ku seru namaMu.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Ketenangan yang didamba

Mula resah. Bangun baring bangun lagi dan baring.

Mata terkelip kelip. Tidak ingin tutup. Tiada tanda-tanda mahu tidur.

Hati tidurlah hati. Berehat dari rasa pelbagai. Otak juga penat.


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