Mother do you see me?

Hi. Meet again. It's because something yang menganggu hati ini.. Akal ini..jiwa ini.. Adakah aku redha? Adakah aku rebel.. Why it has to be like this.. 

Allah is loved.. Allah is the greater.. Allah is the creater.. He can give us live and can take our breath.. I know... But why is it hard.. To let it go..  

How are you mother? Are you sad when I'm behaving like this? I wish you are not scared.. You are treated like a queen.. You feel love... You can have everything you wish.. Mother.. Are you seeing me here? Up down nowhere to go.. Everything is hard and tough.. I know if you are around I don't share this with you..  But things is not in my control.. I can't believe you are not around anymore.. And I can't even know you see me.. And worst part I scared you are sad when seeing how bad your daughter is... Mother.. I want to be better.. For you... So you can proud and say yes that's my daughter! But day by days I'm getting worst..  I forgot how blessings my life is.. I had hatred.. I get sick of bullshit then I give everyone middle finger... I currently curse a lot... I hate and sometimes I feel want to just kill everyone who cross the limit... Mother.. Do you see me?  How I control myself? How I told myself? How strugglling myself to calm me down... They just don't know... And I don't know if you see this mother... 

Do not be sad..  You are not wrong.. I'm the one who don't care of myself.. I will take care of myself.. No matter how cruel it is.. No matter how great my day is.. I will take care of my own way..  If you see.. Please pray for my safe.. 

Wherethewill

tH

sensitive yes I do

At the moment, all I knew was that I felt hurt and needed to step away and think. Was I right to feel hurt or was I overreacting? She was scolding me, but what she said wasn’t wrong or even particularly cruel, so why was I upset?

After a few minutes, my friend came outside to where I had been brooding. "Oh, come on," she said, with unconcealed exasperation. “Don’t be a weirdo.”

Bam, there it was—a cunningly camouflaged version of an accusation I’ve heard and hated all my life: “You’re too sensitive.”

I’ve long believed that “you’re too sensitive” is what people say when they’ve said or done something unkind and want you to believe that they haven’t. I’ve considered it a form of gaslighting. Still, when you hear something often enough, you eventually consider the possibility that it might be

I’m not talking about being a highly sensitive person (HSP), as described by Elaine Aron: HSP is more of a holistic sensory issue. I’m talking about people like me, whose feelings can be hurt by offhand remarks; people who don’t take well to teasing or could be described as thin-skinned.

I don’t know if there’s a connection between introversion and that kind of sensitivity but I can see that it might be possible. First, introverts have an unfortunate tendency to ruminate, which can turn an insult into an infection. We tend not to be quick with comebacks, which, if we were, could help turn teasing into harmless repartee. We might—and this is one of my “problems”—need time to process our thoughts when something strikes us wrong, which other people interpret as sulking.

But even so—is it fair to consider this too sensitive? What is too sensitive? Am I really an overly sensitive weirdo, or am I just ... sensitive? And is that really such a bad thing, or is it just a thing? Should I toughen up? Is that even possible? Or was I right all along in thinking that my sensitivity is protection from people who don’t have my best interests at heart?

Now...  I think that all..  Do you still I'm enjoy being this situation? Sensitive was not bad at all. I'm feel what I felt.. Sometimes we forget what we have feel and hurt someone else with our word.. We once in the situation.. We forgot once we passed the situation.. And turned out we comebacks as unkind people.. To fight the emotional thought was not easy.. Being mad was not wrong but being unkind is totally worst.. I do that almost everytime I feel insecure.. Triggered.. Anxiety.. Its worst moments where you want to believed you will be okay but you are not.. It is a moment when you wanna to stop the time ticking.. People blowing a word telling how sensitive you are..  Without realizing they hurting your inner peace.. Is okay.. Accept that.. Yes.. You sensitive.. You hurt.. And there's nothing wrong with that.. Deal with that... Whatever you feel.. 

Being kind cost nothing 

That's personality 

Silent 

tH

killing inside

Then..

Write.. Letter.. 

Got headache.. Start from the neck up to back head and around the forehead now all over the head.. 

Shall I continue.. 

I guess.. It's started again.. My fuel.. My energy to fight.. It's getting back..  I keep trying to ate all negative vibes but I couldn't.. 

There here i go

Sleepless.. Headache.. Hot.. Fast breathing.. I couldn't relax.. These is too pain.. And no one ever realize.. 

Vomiting cruel.. selfish.. Go on..  Because I'm holding all.. When life gives you two choices and gave you chance.. Don't regret later if all come true.. Did you know how weight I'm holding this puzzle.. I already lost a piece of them.. In searching the pieces I lost myself even more.. 

And my bad thought keep go and came back..  They enjoying running in my head.. I'm scared enough.. If it's comes with actions.. And it was a things no one expected even myself.. 

What will be will be...

21 12 19

tH

A new job.. Should i?

Hi.. We meet up again..

So today, i went to interview.. I don't talk a lot as i do during my past interview.. I didn't give my all.. I did not share my experience much.. But i had past.. And now that give me suck..

There is so much pro and cons.. I cannot write up all..

I really wish to quit my job and at the same time my love is growing bigger.. My present job is just fine.. They send me to training.. Their salary is low but in my area you can call it's lucky.. Their environment is very beautiful.. What else is not enough.. Everything just fine.. I finish my everyday task  smoothly.. But i tend to get scared when it's come too comfort.. Of course there is another reason but mostly just fine..

My new offer job is my seeking dream job.. I want to go further into that path.. I want to discover and learn more.. That gonna shine my skills.. That gonna dig another talents.. But unfortunately they offer a bit lower compare than my present job.. They give me 3 days to think about this.. And 3 days is cost me to work out my brain.. If i accept their job.. They gonna reserve my place until my probation period is done.. Of course i am bit scared.. But who is care? There was so much things ahead that i don't really know how its works.. And i wish to know.. But i cannot deny how scared i am..

My question is.. How can i ask a better  salary offer from this new job offer.. At least i can hv bit higher than present job..

Ohh.. I really dont talk..

Dilemma
tH