killing inside

Then..

Write.. Letter.. 

Got headache.. Start from the neck up to back head and around the forehead now all over the head.. 

Shall I continue.. 

I guess.. It's started again.. My fuel.. My energy to fight.. It's getting back..  I keep trying to ate all negative vibes but I couldn't.. 

There here i go

Sleepless.. Headache.. Hot.. Fast breathing.. I couldn't relax.. These is too pain.. And no one ever realize.. 

Vomiting cruel.. selfish.. Go on..  Because I'm holding all.. When life gives you two choices and gave you chance.. Don't regret later if all come true.. Did you know how weight I'm holding this puzzle.. I already lost a piece of them.. In searching the pieces I lost myself even more.. 

And my bad thought keep go and came back..  They enjoying running in my head.. I'm scared enough.. If it's comes with actions.. And it was a things no one expected even myself.. 

What will be will be...

21 12 19

tH

A new job.. Should i?

Hi.. We meet up again..

So today, i went to interview.. I don't talk a lot as i do during my past interview.. I didn't give my all.. I did not share my experience much.. But i had past.. And now that give me suck..

There is so much pro and cons.. I cannot write up all..

I really wish to quit my job and at the same time my love is growing bigger.. My present job is just fine.. They send me to training.. Their salary is low but in my area you can call it's lucky.. Their environment is very beautiful.. What else is not enough.. Everything just fine.. I finish my everyday task  smoothly.. But i tend to get scared when it's come too comfort.. Of course there is another reason but mostly just fine..

My new offer job is my seeking dream job.. I want to go further into that path.. I want to discover and learn more.. That gonna shine my skills.. That gonna dig another talents.. But unfortunately they offer a bit lower compare than my present job.. They give me 3 days to think about this.. And 3 days is cost me to work out my brain.. If i accept their job.. They gonna reserve my place until my probation period is done.. Of course i am bit scared.. But who is care? There was so much things ahead that i don't really know how its works.. And i wish to know.. But i cannot deny how scared i am..

My question is.. How can i ask a better  salary offer from this new job offer.. At least i can hv bit higher than present job..

Ohh.. I really dont talk..

Dilemma
tH

Happy birthday post 2019

Here we go..

Bismillah.. Thank you Allah for these breath..

So today is my birthday. Another year has past.. Not so much different from last year.. Last 2 year.. Last 3 year.. I am just growing those age..

How i is missing during childhood.. Wishing to go back to those age.. Wishing to give all of the love.. Attention.. Kiss and hug.. Oh no.. If just i can hug those little girl..

Present i shall love myself.. Because we never know what the future look like.. Do i still wish to look back my old time at this age? Oh no... I must to love myself.. I know.. It's look like putting myself first sound gross.. But that is how i fulfill all of my needs.. Not like i sitting of doing anything.. Cross my leg and colors my nails but i'm putting of my oxygen mask first.. I could not pour with an empty glass.. I need to fullfill mine.. Then i can share with..

I am teaching myself.. To dearly love myself.. Putting away other view of me.. I know how myself struggling setting and to maintain the clear boundaries and give up my self for the needs of others.. How pitiful of my self..

I need to stop of all these ignorance.. I shall love me.. Dearly me.. I know i am heading full steam towards burn out.. Do you know how seriously the situation is.. Yes i do.. And i should enough of this things..

So.. For this birthday.. Thank you for myself.. For staying with me.. For stay stronger and survive.. For pampared.. For spoil brat.. For all of emotion i had treasure with.. Thank you.. I know how hard myself have been.. And i know how strong myself trying to survive.. I acknowledge of how myself want to be better.. And i understand for every pain and hurt.. Thank you.. For staying with me..

This thank is gonna be long.. But it was enough with a thank you for those who celebrated with.. Give me surprise.. Sing me a song.. Giving a present.. Buying food..and wish me a simple yet a meaningful word HAPPY BIRTHDAY.. thank you.. You know who you are..

I dont know if i could write again next year happy birthday post..  So i want to end of this post with a big THANK YOU..

Love,
teamoHada

Where those puzzle begin.

Hi..

I came to write again.. After many things happen.. I lost into the puzzle.. What do i do in life.. Allahu..

Daddy got into an accident. I will go further in another post..

Now is about myself.. I don't really know where to go.. How far i shall hold myself.. I don't have brave to get out from this comfort.. I am complaining and have been complain by others. I get hurt and i hurt it back.. Now i think my wish came true.. But do i happy? Is that what i want? deep in my heart.. I feel its wrong.. Obviously should never happened.. Im scared of what would be in the end of in the hereafter.. Do i gonna be a long waiting list to the other who like count all my wrong.. To hold me to go to heaven.. Or do i need to wait anyone and stop those people to go there.. Who are they? When its happened? What is that hurt? Which crazy story turn out angry.. All those things really turn out me to be someone else that is not me at outside..

What doa' s is the best for us.. That do not hurt by the people.. That gonna made us stronger.. Invisible.. That won't revenge.. That not hv bad thought.. That really forget.. That really forgive.. That turn out us to be kind.. In heart.. In voice.. In act.. In eyes.. That close all those evil doors.. And opened it all heaven doors..

O' Allah..

Do you still love me?

And i don't either know i deserve to seek for your love..

What will be.. Will be..

tH

Hola long time no see and Never again

Hi. I'm back.

Just to keep what is happening in this 2 month.

1st saman polis dengan kesalahan tidak memakai tali pinggang keledar. Settled with 75 percent discount. This happened during kindergarten 18convocation. Rushing to buy some balloons for the drama aci aci buka pintu as flying owl.

2nd on the way to school. The car wheel suddenly bocor. Tak ternampak lubang on the road. Done and settled with change that wheel.

3rd got a small accident during my Hoc wedding. Got a wassap msg which the contents is asking for help. The bride need me to go to the center to pickup her laptop. And time pass without my consciousness. Someone crashed the car when i change my lane. Having a panic attack. Sweating and struggling to continue calm. Dealing with negotiate which we repair our own car with no police report. Not yet settled which the cost probably around 300 to 400 Ringgit Malaysia.

4th Saturday half day working. Drive a car to school. Around 2pm arrived home. Slightly not on purpose. My tangan dengan jayanya infringed lampu kereta. Almost 18 hour from 2pm in the evening until 7.10 am Sunday morning. Car battery totally lost.  Need to change to a new one.

5th losing my queen (female cat) 2day before I went to putrajaya. Most heartbreaking time. Crying the whole night. Life must go on. Hiding the sadness. Working as usual. Joking angry smile as always. But never can't deny that day most gloomy day. Luckily with having young children around which help me moving and being active.

5th back home with a good new. My queen come back.  Bring my queen to the vet and she got injection. Wake up. Go to work. In evening Dady said my queen is dead. i don't know this feeling. I don't cry. Not saying I don't feel sad but empty. This queen remind me of the situation I wanted to forget the most but a very hurting memory that I have miss for.  If just I know. Yes if also is already hurting. Never ending. I pray that my queen will be fine in heaven with hope she is going to accompany my dearest love there. Oh I cried. Sob. Sob. Yuyu. You are not my first cat but you are gonna be my last cat. I'm sorry if this 3year I changed a lot toward you. Not because I don't love you.  Not because I don't care but I try hard to forget the most hurting me. You got unmatured owner. I'm sorry. I seriously don't know what is going happen next but if there is one thing I do good for you. Please take me with you to heaven. Please pray that I will better inside and out.

I love both of you
I miss both of you
And
I will be fine
I will be ok

Love
teamoHada