IT is what IT is

Jika di putar waktu

I will do the same

I will tell what i want to tell

I will face the consequence

But im not

Im not sorry for my action 

Even more than that

I shower with

A headache 

A sleepless night

An overthinking

Or maybe TEAR

I should think twice

But i dont 

I feel bad but better

I dont wont to keep everything inside 

But having those feeling really 

Suffocated

Exhausted

AT least once .. just once i need to tell what i feel.. 

im really sorry

In Another World

tH, 10:13

kita pilih

​Kita boleh hidup seperti mana yang kita mahu.. 

Kalau kita pilih bersedih maka bersedihla

Kalau kita pilih menangis maka tangislah 

Kalau kita rasa kita marah maka luah lah 

Nobody perfect and..

nobody can force us to stop for what do we feel about our self..

Tapi dalam hidup kita yang ada pilihan.. 

bolekah?

Kita cuba untuk pilih yang lebih baik dulu 

Adakah sedih dapat memberi kepuasan 

Adakah menangis menghilangkan resah

Adakah marah memudahkan urusan

Dan Jika kita pilih untuk tutup rasa berduka 

Maka pilih saja untuk tersenyum 

Biar rasa duka larut sendiri 

Biar rasa Lara hilang berlalu begitu 

Biar tangis itu tidak dilihat 

Biar rasa yang begitu hanya rasa sebentar

Hanya saja untuk kita rasa sendiri..

Iya.. berharapla cuma sebentar 

Yang akhirnya akan muncul pelangi 

Walaupun juga datangnya sebentar 

Kerana itulah hidup

Di alam dunia 

In another life

tH

frust

Tonight I feel a little bit frustrated.. Only about a tiny matter but really matter.. Is it hard to give support.. I don't need anyone but only you.. is it hard to do so?  Not once but repeated negative words.. I don't care if not you but you.. Why? Because you see I don't have talent and that what you keep pushing and saying hurting words?  If popcorn  explode anytime  so do I..  Am I telling what you should not say is telling me rude?  I cannot tahan with all down words!!!  I really cannot.. You are not motivated!  You don't give me courage! You made me coward!! All that when you treat people wrong! Not now but since they are young.. Food words that broken and been eating so long..  So what the children can be in future.. Nothing more and less... The child in judgement and Everyone in judgement! That the pity person cannot do anything ! Because you feed that food.. Where or when they grow up they cannot identify which is really good for themselves... Because you made them think that they are not possible to do anything but everything is impossible to be achieved... You never can see the real picture! If just that person you thought is rude you are really wrong because you underestimate that person..  One thing you should feelings worried is where that person start up to spill and spit everything.. Because that person not only can be seen as a rude one but beyond of your expectations.. Life is actually just simply simple when you is being kind to each other.. But never forget that our earth is spinning.. And it's matters of time.. 

Sumpah ku

Salain dari perasaan sedih kecewa marah. 

Aku juga sering terganggu dengan bayangan memegang pisau dan aku ugut untuk bunuh diri dan aku halakan pisau itu pada siapa yang menyebabkan aku terancam. 

Suara aku garau dan menempelak siapa sahaja didepan aku. 

Halangan demi halangan aku tempis dengan kasar. 

Aku menjerit sesungguhnya. Mata,aku jeling. Badan aku mengeras.

Pelbagai sumpahan dan cacian keluar dari mulut. 

.....

Tidak ini bukan aku. Aku menampar pipi beberapa kali. Aku katakan ; Ini bukan aku, aku masih berfikir logik. 

menjerit terlolong-lolong. Sang suara tidak kedengaran. Tidak itu bukan aku! 

Lalu  bayangan makin kabur dan menghilang. Datang dan pergi tidak diundang.

Besyukur Tuhan masih sayang.  Aku masih mengawal diri.

Namun jika ia berulang kembali.. mampukan suara hatiku menutupinya lagi?

Takut pada ketidak tahanan diri.. Aku bukan sang gagah.. jiwa ku rapuh dan senang sekali terkoyak. 

Aku takut jika tidak lagi terkawal maka aku bukan lagi aku. 

....

Tinggalkan aku sendiri. biarkan aku bermonolog sendiri.. Tutup mulut kamu. Lari. 

Jangan sampai kau terbunuh.

Bersambung....

Jika punggung tidak cukup panas untuk berdiri.. gunakan matamu untuk melihat.. gunakan telingamu untuk mendengar.. hati untuk merasa.. '

tapi malangnya.. lidahmu panjang dan tajam dalam berkata-kata.. hingga katakatamu yang remeh menjadi kecil.. laju membesar dan tinggi.. menggoncang para kayu yang hampir roboh..

sukarkah untuk berkata hal yang baik? sukarkah untuk menuturkan perkataan yang elok? sukarkah untuk mengalah? 

menegak benang yang basah.. yang jika benar mengikut perkiraanmu, tiada rugi untuk berhenti.. yang jika salah mengikut pandanganmu tiada sia-sia untuk berhenti..

jika kamu sememangnya kuat.. yang cekal hatinya kenapa masih ingin berlawanan? yang biasa-biasa saja menjadi luar biasa.. dari menasihati menjadi hinaan? 

kerana ada diantara kita masih belum tahu perbezaan.. 

Marah itu nanti responsnya bagaimana?

sedih itu bagaimana pula?

kecewa menangis, menjerit, terdiam lain lagi..

kerana ada dianatara kita suka mencampuradukkan semua.. selagi boleh menengakkan apa yang dirasa lalu membiarakan sang ikan didaratan..

mungkinkah perlu munculnya watak baru? .....

Bersambung....

A friend to be A stranger

I don't know either I or you.

But one thing for sure. We are stranger now.  From stranger become friends. Become a very special. Then become stranger again. I told you many time. I really don't have anyone else that close to me. Only you. You and you. But unlucky me when you make that distance. You kept update frustrated angry, disappointing  and emotional status. Which again I don't know if the objective is for me or I'm overwhelmed by that status.

So today you update again.

I don't know if I were doing wrong. I don't know if I'm sensitive. But surely now I know how important I am to you. Not as much as I really want you to be part of my life. I never thought to become strangers again to someone I really know. I want to care. I want to share what ever happened and I feel with. But then I wrong.. more I want that relationship become closer then yes it was vice versa.

I want to take whatever you update was nothing  which not related with me. But I just can't. Now I take it as seriously. If that's not about us then you never act like you never know me. Your silence. Your ignorance. Why we have to be this way.

I want you know. What ever happened  you may hurt by me. I'm sorry. But I won't sorry for being ignorant too. This time. I won't be easy. As it's  your time to to make things right again. If I as important you in part of my life.

Even I don't own anyone I won't crawl seeking for you to be there for me. I will survive.

Pusing
teamoHada

March,12,2019

Rejecting a job mail

Salam.

Thank you for offering to work into your team. I am glad with that. As you know your school has been my wish school to work with since last few year but after having a deep thought, here is one of the reason i could not directly say yes.

Firstly, is about salary offer. What can i do to make you offer me a bit higher than my present job? I cannot lose 160 penny for my long last seeking job as 160 penny if collected into 12 month i can have another place to go and explore to.. As i mentioned during our interview i really love to walk our small world. It does not matter how near or far i can go but during the journey i treasure, i believed i can have something value from it.

Secondly, because it's my seeking job i wished for long. I cannot lose it too. I cannot past this job for 160 penny. So i would like to challenged myself for reserved with a bit higher salary confirmation job. So this is my idea, If you would not mind and to allowed myself to enter you school,  i am willing to volunteer my self 2 hours in your schools for 3 times either Friday or Saturday evening,  From that, you can give me whatever task and i will try my best to fit in during those period.

Thirdly My present job also is not a joke. But i love to make a joke with my treasure children. Leaving my comfort environment of course would be a big deal for me too. I don't want to lose something i treasure for something i wish. But at the same time i don't want to regret for something i don't try.

I will deal with whatever decision you make. Whether to stay reserve with a bit higher salary or as you mentioned through the interview. Even if i could not pass this period i surely can deal with it as long as i have tried. Its a win win situation if you think more about it. 3 time in 2 hour per session. Its a volunteer with no paid. And yes i can come next week if you allowed. Then we can have another end mark decision.

Thank you

nah.. boleh ke macamni? can you suggest any other ideas?

JOBSEEKER,@tH

pokok

untuk menjadi sebatang pokok. pokok itu harus bersaing antara pokok pokok yang lain.. jika hidup.. bernafaslah ia.. tumbuh tinggi.. masih rapuh.. ada juga yang sasa.. mengikut jenis keturunan dan baka.. mengikut didikan dan suntikan kasih serta belaian..

Menjadi sebatang pokok tumbuh kuat, tinggi dan gah bukan perkara sukar dan tidaklah mudah.. tiada yang tidak indah dalam proses pokok membesar.. dan tidaklah juga indah sentiasa.. ada hari ditimpa hujan, petir, kilat dan ribut.. ada hari matahari terang benderang.. panas mencengkam ke perut bumi tanpa rasa titisan air bumi.. menjadi pokok.. se gah pokok berdiri antara pokok lain.. tidak mahu pentingkn diri ingin berbahagi kelebihan.. akhirnya mungkin dimakan diri.. 

begitulah pokok yang adakalanya menjadi tempat berteduh dan adakalanya menjadi tempat berkepentingan hal lain.. namun pokok masih tetap berjasa... masih tetap berdiri hingga nafas akhirnya.. dipanah petir mahupun dipotong potong badannya.. sedang pokok lain bersedih tp hidup mesti diteruskn dengan berjuang untuk terus memberi manfaat.. 

pokok.. penuh misteri.. semakin tinggi.. semakin berani.. mengeluarkan dahan dahan dan sekali lagi perlu bersaing..sekali lgi melalui proses proses seperti pokok.. namun kedaan makin rapuh.. makin halus.. jika rapuh terlalu awal sudah mengalah.. jika tidak bersedia tiba tiba sudah ditanah.. dipatah patah dan di pijak pijak.. namun tetap dahan mahupun pokok tetap saja masih berguna..  

siapa tidak mahu menjadi si pokok.. tapi tidak juga lahirnya hanya dahan dahan.. 

pokok,

tH

sensitive is wrong.. Aha

hi.. in a week i hv another post.. aha.. something might happened to me again...uhuuuu..

btw. most of us always think that sensitive is wrong.. emo is wrong.. meanwhile do they know sensitive is parts of emotion.. is parts of feelings..do we have to ignore those feelings that is obviously abusing us.. no.. for those people who is *kononnya not being sensitive.. or strong enough handle their emotion will have those judgemental.. would hurt.. would give pain and being annoyed.. and they will argue and they won the arguement.. that funny right.. ohh one more things.. they will make we feel wrong after they do wrong to us.. hahh.. easy to them.. 

being mad was not sensitive.. never been an emotional.. reason？  no.. do not please to put ur shoes in that sensitive.. over.. emo person.. oh whatsoever... no.. but please give some respect.. not implement bullying in life for how perfect your life is.. 

if you think for a joke.. then you better be a joker.. or maybe a clown.. but for info.. s clown made people lifted not being unlifted.. kelakar？ haa.. for a bad mouthing clown.. 

jika lidah itu tajam dari mata pedang.. then you would not that brave to give that speech！ orang yang tidak emo tidak akan rasa penulisan begini.. oh.. bukan kejam pun kan...

if you give them an explanation then they ignore.. then better shut up.. slam the door..

hater nope hateee

teamoHada

anxious

hi guys... i do not know who i hello for.. there is no reader except by myself.. ouhh pity me.. btw.. last night i wrote something that worry me..  but my nephew came and we talk.. of course i do not want them to see what do i wrote then i quickly left that post without saving into draft.. then i lost them.. fortunately even though i lose those post, i feel some ease after that. like someone is hear my talk.. 

anyway, i still want to share it into my blog.. something is came up which is little hurt my feelings last nightl.. auchh how do i rewrite again.. 10/6/2020 i

last night i heard something that he is already made the decission without asking my opinion and i have no right to object while im being little bit sensitive. my thought not that important.. either im agree or not there is no matter because i hv nothing to give back.. maybe im worry for something that not yet happened because we never know what is look like our future it is.. 

o'Allah i seek for forgiveness.. i know i keep counting my wrong for many blessing you shower me.. and i still keep asking you.. O'Allah.. you know for something i do not.. but i hope i  can be strong for anything that you tested me.. O'Allah if just i do not please to take me with you.. i do not want to be a burden, nor a fighter.. o'Allah.. if i was all alone by myself then i seek for you to do not leave me all alone by myself.. let me feel your presence of your love..

these shall pass too.. and i hope for good..

anxious

tH

Mother do you see me?

Hi. Meet again. It's because something yang menganggu hati ini.. Akal ini..jiwa ini.. Adakah aku redha? Adakah aku rebel.. Why it has to be like this.. 

Allah is loved.. Allah is the greater.. Allah is the creater.. He can give us live and can take our breath.. I know... But why is it hard.. To let it go..  

How are you mother? Are you sad when I'm behaving like this? I wish you are not scared.. You are treated like a queen.. You feel love... You can have everything you wish.. Mother.. Are you seeing me here? Up down nowhere to go.. Everything is hard and tough.. I know if you are around I don't share this with you..  But things is not in my control.. I can't believe you are not around anymore.. And I can't even know you see me.. And worst part I scared you are sad when seeing how bad your daughter is... Mother.. I want to be better.. For you... So you can proud and say yes that's my daughter! But day by days I'm getting worst..  I forgot how blessings my life is.. I had hatred.. I get sick of bullshit then I give everyone middle finger... I currently curse a lot... I hate and sometimes I feel want to just kill everyone who cross the limit... Mother.. Do you see me?  How I control myself? How I told myself? How strugglling myself to calm me down... They just don't know... And I don't know if you see this mother... 

Do not be sad..  You are not wrong.. I'm the one who don't care of myself.. I will take care of myself.. No matter how cruel it is.. No matter how great my day is.. I will take care of my own way..  If you see.. Please pray for my safe.. 

Wherethewill

tH

sensitive yes I do

At the moment, all I knew was that I felt hurt and needed to step away and think. Was I right to feel hurt or was I overreacting? She was scolding me, but what she said wasn’t wrong or even particularly cruel, so why was I upset?

After a few minutes, my friend came outside to where I had been brooding. "Oh, come on," she said, with unconcealed exasperation. “Don’t be a weirdo.”

Bam, there it was—a cunningly camouflaged version of an accusation I’ve heard and hated all my life: “You’re too sensitive.”

I’ve long believed that “you’re too sensitive” is what people say when they’ve said or done something unkind and want you to believe that they haven’t. I’ve considered it a form of gaslighting. Still, when you hear something often enough, you eventually consider the possibility that it might be

I’m not talking about being a highly sensitive person (HSP), as described by Elaine Aron: HSP is more of a holistic sensory issue. I’m talking about people like me, whose feelings can be hurt by offhand remarks; people who don’t take well to teasing or could be described as thin-skinned.

I don’t know if there’s a connection between introversion and that kind of sensitivity but I can see that it might be possible. First, introverts have an unfortunate tendency to ruminate, which can turn an insult into an infection. We tend not to be quick with comebacks, which, if we were, could help turn teasing into harmless repartee. We might—and this is one of my “problems”—need time to process our thoughts when something strikes us wrong, which other people interpret as sulking.

But even so—is it fair to consider this too sensitive? What is too sensitive? Am I really an overly sensitive weirdo, or am I just ... sensitive? And is that really such a bad thing, or is it just a thing? Should I toughen up? Is that even possible? Or was I right all along in thinking that my sensitivity is protection from people who don’t have my best interests at heart?

Now...  I think that all..  Do you still I'm enjoy being this situation? Sensitive was not bad at all. I'm feel what I felt.. Sometimes we forget what we have feel and hurt someone else with our word.. We once in the situation.. We forgot once we passed the situation.. And turned out we comebacks as unkind people.. To fight the emotional thought was not easy.. Being mad was not wrong but being unkind is totally worst.. I do that almost everytime I feel insecure.. Triggered.. Anxiety.. Its worst moments where you want to believed you will be okay but you are not.. It is a moment when you wanna to stop the time ticking.. People blowing a word telling how sensitive you are..  Without realizing they hurting your inner peace.. Is okay.. Accept that.. Yes.. You sensitive.. You hurt.. And there's nothing wrong with that.. Deal with that... Whatever you feel.. 

Being kind cost nothing 

That's personality 

Silent 

tH

killing inside

Then..

Write.. Letter.. 

Got headache.. Start from the neck up to back head and around the forehead now all over the head.. 

Shall I continue.. 

I guess.. It's started again.. My fuel.. My energy to fight.. It's getting back..  I keep trying to ate all negative vibes but I couldn't.. 

There here i go

Sleepless.. Headache.. Hot.. Fast breathing.. I couldn't relax.. These is too pain.. And no one ever realize.. 

Vomiting cruel.. selfish.. Go on..  Because I'm holding all.. When life gives you two choices and gave you chance.. Don't regret later if all come true.. Did you know how weight I'm holding this puzzle.. I already lost a piece of them.. In searching the pieces I lost myself even more.. 

And my bad thought keep go and came back..  They enjoying running in my head.. I'm scared enough.. If it's comes with actions.. And it was a things no one expected even myself.. 

What will be will be...

21 12 19

tH

A new job.. Should i?

Hi.. We meet up again..

So today, i went to interview.. I don't talk a lot as i do during my past interview.. I didn't give my all.. I did not share my experience much.. But i had past.. And now that give me suck..

There is so much pro and cons.. I cannot write up all..

I really wish to quit my job and at the same time my love is growing bigger.. My present job is just fine.. They send me to training.. Their salary is low but in my area you can call it's lucky.. Their environment is very beautiful.. What else is not enough.. Everything just fine.. I finish my everyday task  smoothly.. But i tend to get scared when it's come too comfort.. Of course there is another reason but mostly just fine..

My new offer job is my seeking dream job.. I want to go further into that path.. I want to discover and learn more.. That gonna shine my skills.. That gonna dig another talents.. But unfortunately they offer a bit lower compare than my present job.. They give me 3 days to think about this.. And 3 days is cost me to work out my brain.. If i accept their job.. They gonna reserve my place until my probation period is done.. Of course i am bit scared.. But who is care? There was so much things ahead that i don't really know how its works.. And i wish to know.. But i cannot deny how scared i am..

My question is.. How can i ask a better  salary offer from this new job offer.. At least i can hv bit higher than present job..

Ohh.. I really dont talk..

Dilemma
tH

Happy birthday post 2019

Here we go..

Bismillah.. Thank you Allah for these breath..

So today is my birthday. Another year has past.. Not so much different from last year.. Last 2 year.. Last 3 year.. I am just growing those age..

How i is missing during childhood.. Wishing to go back to those age.. Wishing to give all of the love.. Attention.. Kiss and hug.. Oh no.. If just i can hug those little girl..

Present i shall love myself.. Because we never know what the future look like.. Do i still wish to look back my old time at this age? Oh no... I must to love myself.. I know.. It's look like putting myself first sound gross.. But that is how i fulfill all of my needs.. Not like i sitting of doing anything.. Cross my leg and colors my nails but i'm putting of my oxygen mask first.. I could not pour with an empty glass.. I need to fullfill mine.. Then i can share with..

I am teaching myself.. To dearly love myself.. Putting away other view of me.. I know how myself struggling setting and to maintain the clear boundaries and give up my self for the needs of others.. How pitiful of my self..

I need to stop of all these ignorance.. I shall love me.. Dearly me.. I know i am heading full steam towards burn out.. Do you know how seriously the situation is.. Yes i do.. And i should enough of this things..

So.. For this birthday.. Thank you for myself.. For staying with me.. For stay stronger and survive.. For pampared.. For spoil brat.. For all of emotion i had treasure with.. Thank you.. I know how hard myself have been.. And i know how strong myself trying to survive.. I acknowledge of how myself want to be better.. And i understand for every pain and hurt.. Thank you.. For staying with me..

This thank is gonna be long.. But it was enough with a thank you for those who celebrated with.. Give me surprise.. Sing me a song.. Giving a present.. Buying food..and wish me a simple yet a meaningful word HAPPY BIRTHDAY.. thank you.. You know who you are..

I dont know if i could write again next year happy birthday post..  So i want to end of this post with a big THANK YOU..

Love,
teamoHada

Where those puzzle begin.

Hi..

I came to write again.. After many things happen.. I lost into the puzzle.. What do i do in life.. Allahu..

Daddy got into an accident. I will go further in another post..

Now is about myself.. I don't really know where to go.. How far i shall hold myself.. I don't have brave to get out from this comfort.. I am complaining and have been complain by others. I get hurt and i hurt it back.. Now i think my wish came true.. But do i happy? Is that what i want? deep in my heart.. I feel its wrong.. Obviously should never happened.. Im scared of what would be in the end of in the hereafter.. Do i gonna be a long waiting list to the other who like count all my wrong.. To hold me to go to heaven.. Or do i need to wait anyone and stop those people to go there.. Who are they? When its happened? What is that hurt? Which crazy story turn out angry.. All those things really turn out me to be someone else that is not me at outside..

What doa' s is the best for us.. That do not hurt by the people.. That gonna made us stronger.. Invisible.. That won't revenge.. That not hv bad thought.. That really forget.. That really forgive.. That turn out us to be kind.. In heart.. In voice.. In act.. In eyes.. That close all those evil doors.. And opened it all heaven doors..

O' Allah..

Do you still love me?

And i don't either know i deserve to seek for your love..

What will be.. Will be..

tH

Hola long time no see and Never again

Hi. I'm back.

Just to keep what is happening in this 2 month.

1st saman polis dengan kesalahan tidak memakai tali pinggang keledar. Settled with 75 percent discount. This happened during kindergarten 18convocation. Rushing to buy some balloons for the drama aci aci buka pintu as flying owl.

2nd on the way to school. The car wheel suddenly bocor. Tak ternampak lubang on the road. Done and settled with change that wheel.

3rd got a small accident during my Hoc wedding. Got a wassap msg which the contents is asking for help. The bride need me to go to the center to pickup her laptop. And time pass without my consciousness. Someone crashed the car when i change my lane. Having a panic attack. Sweating and struggling to continue calm. Dealing with negotiate which we repair our own car with no police report. Not yet settled which the cost probably around 300 to 400 Ringgit Malaysia.

4th Saturday half day working. Drive a car to school. Around 2pm arrived home. Slightly not on purpose. My tangan dengan jayanya infringed lampu kereta. Almost 18 hour from 2pm in the evening until 7.10 am Sunday morning. Car battery totally lost.  Need to change to a new one.

5th losing my queen (female cat) 2day before I went to putrajaya. Most heartbreaking time. Crying the whole night. Life must go on. Hiding the sadness. Working as usual. Joking angry smile as always. But never can't deny that day most gloomy day. Luckily with having young children around which help me moving and being active.

5th back home with a good new. My queen come back.  Bring my queen to the vet and she got injection. Wake up. Go to work. In evening Dady said my queen is dead. i don't know this feeling. I don't cry. Not saying I don't feel sad but empty. This queen remind me of the situation I wanted to forget the most but a very hurting memory that I have miss for.  If just I know. Yes if also is already hurting. Never ending. I pray that my queen will be fine in heaven with hope she is going to accompany my dearest love there. Oh I cried. Sob. Sob. Yuyu. You are not my first cat but you are gonna be my last cat. I'm sorry if this 3year I changed a lot toward you. Not because I don't love you.  Not because I don't care but I try hard to forget the most hurting me. You got unmatured owner. I'm sorry. I seriously don't know what is going happen next but if there is one thing I do good for you. Please take me with you to heaven. Please pray that I will better inside and out.

I love both of you
I miss both of you
And
I will be fine
I will be ok

Love
teamoHada

Hungry

I can list one for now

Hungry
If you stress, when you hungry you go to eat and you eat.
If you depress, when you hungry you don't go to eat and you don't eat.

Now.  I really hungry. I eat 1 and half roti canai during breakfast, 2 keropok in evening dan mungkin half choc bread after finish the event. Now at 12 midnight I really really feel hungry.

At least I got food to ate.  Why not thankful?

I delivered my task today. Not so great but I just done. I'm not proud myself. In crowded people at least 100 ++ people there I feel so alone and lonely.

Once upon a time I don't remember when exact year ago.  I wish to hold a mic. I thought she/he is so cool. Everyone have an eyes for her/him. But when my wish I think came true. I just not so proud of myself. I thought of what people think of me.  And this is ridiculous. Why the thought mess my mind?

Why I am so not thankful? 

Always take things take people for granted.

And I hungry and go to eat something.

H for me  H for hungry
teamoHada

A little brighter day

Bismillah and Alhamdulillah.

Today I feel more better. Through ups and down my emotion journey is just really tough. I know I need to help myself through the adventure itself.

From home to work to self. It's all turning around 390 degree. Not a day or 2 day. But every second I breathe. Sangat sesak dengupan jantung seperti jatuh dari bangunan yang tinggi dan ditikam menggunakan senjata tajam. Very pain.

I sleep early switch off light early and like to stay in the dark.  Light gave me pain. Headache and anxious. And during I sleep I walk. My brain still processing. With one after another dream. And when in the morning. The dream keep disturbing my days. Suffocate.

Ya Allah.
Ya Allah.
Ya Allah.

If I am in pain. Please Allah let be only me. If I'm in hurt with human word please reward me with sabar. And turn me someone better than they and I think of me.

O'Allah guide me with light path. Guide me to my ambition. Guide me to be what I want to be and what I want to have. Help me Allah. 

Ya Rahman.  Give me your love. Please let me feel your love.. I want your love.

Ya Rahim. Kasihi aku. Jangan sisihkan Aku ya Allah. Jika suatu hari aku hilang dalam kasih sayang manusia itu mungkin lebih baik dari kehilangan rasa kasih dari mu Ya Allah. Tuhanku. Penciptaku.

Jangan tinggalkanku Tuhan

Anxious,
tH

Ugly | fat, acne and scars

People just really forget that they also can become like the one they don't like. Without showing any regrets,  then they saying ugly things. They forgot that everything they said can actually came back to them.  Toing2 melantun balik.

What is ugly?  It would be never ending list. We can't deny. When it was ugly than it was.  People perspective view. However here is the biggest challenge in life with the struggle that need to face. Especially women.

Problem with body parts. Some people struggling with this since they are young.  Getting fat was not their choice. They don't eat a lot. But when they eat,  there will come with voice who said something like : you'r still eating?  Like so what? When they eat a very little. These people said they are on diet. Bla bla bla.  And more with another voice who will said you never lost fat. What the hell is their thought is? these people don't like your perspective of beauty and please watch your mouth when they are still nice. And there is also people who tried being nice when they (fat people) actually ask for their view. Like still want to deny. No no. You are not fat.  And plus minus telling they are the one who having obesity. Meanwhile they actually not at all. What the heck is their thought? Telling a truth is helping them to see their flaws.  But when you do body shaming that would be the real ugliest of you.

Secondly is having acne and scars on face. Beauty is flawless in physical. Thing that is real.  We can see.  We can touch and feel it.  Both men and women first falling in love is from the face. That Aura Will attract them to know more about the person. But when you don't pretty and more with scars and acne.  The possibility to attract people will lower. Then the struggle will join you to fight the challenge the person is facing. 

This world will be more scary with so many witch.  Cursing and not saying nicer things. Perspective of beauty. I Hope people grow up.  Saying nice things to people.  If they don't see nothing.  Then be quiet.

I shared the screenshot I read it from fatimah aunt and hope you and I will learn from it.

Love, 

tH

Regrets

Bismillah.

Am not good in a person.  But to be better is always the things that I want to achieve for now. And I failed. Not once. It's all over and keep turning around.  Can't you imagined how is my head doing and half half brain.  No place to stay and keep wondering. Nowhere to go until it's beating hard my heart. Yes it never can be easy or simple but surely will getting more complicated if I don't entertain myself. I know the chance of the changing and charging the positivity is  high.  Or maybe over the temperature. And I can't myself remain in the environment.

A regret feeling would never have an ending. Even if you want too.  Not to deny but to learn to pass.

I want to go away.  Far and far.  From this hectic life but actually my hectic brain.  I want to end this movie. I don't want another episode after another. It's tiring and pain in pain.

These feelings somehow eating me alive when I cannot feel my own feelings. Sometimes it's showing but more to hiding.  And empty.

Half,
teamoHada