frust

Tonight I feel a little bit frustrated.. Only about a tiny matter but really matter.. Is it hard to give support.. I don't need anyone but only you.. is it hard to do so?  Not once but repeated negative words.. I don't care if not you but you.. Why? Because you see I don't have talent and that what you keep pushing and saying hurting words?  If popcorn  explode anytime  so do I..  Am I telling what you should not say is telling me rude?  I cannot tahan with all down words!!!  I really cannot.. You are not motivated!  You don't give me courage! You made me coward!! All that when you treat people wrong! Not now but since they are young.. Food words that broken and been eating so long..  So what the children can be in future.. Nothing more and less... The child in judgement and Everyone in judgement! That the pity person cannot do anything ! Because you feed that food.. Where or when they grow up they cannot identify which is really good for themselves... Because you made them think that they are not possible to do anything but everything is impossible to be achieved... You never can see the real picture! If just that person you thought is rude you are really wrong because you underestimate that person..  One thing you should feelings worried is where that person start up to spill and spit everything.. Because that person not only can be seen as a rude one but beyond of your expectations.. Life is actually just simply simple when you is being kind to each other.. But never forget that our earth is spinning.. And it's matters of time.. 

Sumpah ku

Salain dari perasaan sedih kecewa marah. 

Aku juga sering terganggu dengan bayangan memegang pisau dan aku ugut untuk bunuh diri dan aku halakan pisau itu pada siapa yang menyebabkan aku terancam. 

Suara aku garau dan menempelak siapa sahaja didepan aku. 

Halangan demi halangan aku tempis dengan kasar. 

Aku menjerit sesungguhnya. Mata,aku jeling. Badan aku mengeras.

Pelbagai sumpahan dan cacian keluar dari mulut. 

.....

Tidak ini bukan aku. Aku menampar pipi beberapa kali. Aku katakan ; Ini bukan aku, aku masih berfikir logik. 

menjerit terlolong-lolong. Sang suara tidak kedengaran. Tidak itu bukan aku! 

Lalu  bayangan makin kabur dan menghilang. Datang dan pergi tidak diundang.

Besyukur Tuhan masih sayang.  Aku masih mengawal diri.

Namun jika ia berulang kembali.. mampukan suara hatiku menutupinya lagi?

Takut pada ketidak tahanan diri.. Aku bukan sang gagah.. jiwa ku rapuh dan senang sekali terkoyak. 

Aku takut jika tidak lagi terkawal maka aku bukan lagi aku. 

....

Tinggalkan aku sendiri. biarkan aku bermonolog sendiri.. Tutup mulut kamu. Lari. 

Jangan sampai kau terbunuh.

Bersambung....

Jika punggung tidak cukup panas untuk berdiri.. gunakan matamu untuk melihat.. gunakan telingamu untuk mendengar.. hati untuk merasa.. '

tapi malangnya.. lidahmu panjang dan tajam dalam berkata-kata.. hingga katakatamu yang remeh menjadi kecil.. laju membesar dan tinggi.. menggoncang para kayu yang hampir roboh..

sukarkah untuk berkata hal yang baik? sukarkah untuk menuturkan perkataan yang elok? sukarkah untuk mengalah? 

menegak benang yang basah.. yang jika benar mengikut perkiraanmu, tiada rugi untuk berhenti.. yang jika salah mengikut pandanganmu tiada sia-sia untuk berhenti..

jika kamu sememangnya kuat.. yang cekal hatinya kenapa masih ingin berlawanan? yang biasa-biasa saja menjadi luar biasa.. dari menasihati menjadi hinaan? 

kerana ada diantara kita masih belum tahu perbezaan.. 

Marah itu nanti responsnya bagaimana?

sedih itu bagaimana pula?

kecewa menangis, menjerit, terdiam lain lagi..

kerana ada dianatara kita suka mencampuradukkan semua.. selagi boleh menengakkan apa yang dirasa lalu membiarakan sang ikan didaratan..

mungkinkah perlu munculnya watak baru? .....

Bersambung....

A friend to be A stranger

I don't know either I or you.

But one thing for sure. We are stranger now.  From stranger become friends. Become a very special. Then become stranger again. I told you many time. I really don't have anyone else that close to me. Only you. You and you. But unlucky me when you make that distance. You kept update frustrated angry, disappointing  and emotional status. Which again I don't know if the objective is for me or I'm overwhelmed by that status.

So today you update again.

I don't know if I were doing wrong. I don't know if I'm sensitive. But surely now I know how important I am to you. Not as much as I really want you to be part of my life. I never thought to become strangers again to someone I really know. I want to care. I want to share what ever happened and I feel with. But then I wrong.. more I want that relationship become closer then yes it was vice versa.

I want to take whatever you update was nothing  which not related with me. But I just can't. Now I take it as seriously. If that's not about us then you never act like you never know me. Your silence. Your ignorance. Why we have to be this way.

I want you know. What ever happened  you may hurt by me. I'm sorry. But I won't sorry for being ignorant too. This time. I won't be easy. As it's  your time to to make things right again. If I as important you in part of my life.

Even I don't own anyone I won't crawl seeking for you to be there for me. I will survive.

Pusing
teamoHada

March,12,2019

Rejecting a job mail

Salam.

Thank you for offering to work into your team. I am glad with that. As you know your school has been my wish school to work with since last few year but after having a deep thought, here is one of the reason i could not directly say yes.

Firstly, is about salary offer. What can i do to make you offer me a bit higher than my present job? I cannot lose 160 penny for my long last seeking job as 160 penny if collected into 12 month i can have another place to go and explore to.. As i mentioned during our interview i really love to walk our small world. It does not matter how near or far i can go but during the journey i treasure, i believed i can have something value from it.

Secondly, because it's my seeking job i wished for long. I cannot lose it too. I cannot past this job for 160 penny. So i would like to challenged myself for reserved with a bit higher salary confirmation job. So this is my idea, If you would not mind and to allowed myself to enter you school,  i am willing to volunteer my self 2 hours in your schools for 3 times either Friday or Saturday evening,  From that, you can give me whatever task and i will try my best to fit in during those period.

Thirdly My present job also is not a joke. But i love to make a joke with my treasure children. Leaving my comfort environment of course would be a big deal for me too. I don't want to lose something i treasure for something i wish. But at the same time i don't want to regret for something i don't try.

I will deal with whatever decision you make. Whether to stay reserve with a bit higher salary or as you mentioned through the interview. Even if i could not pass this period i surely can deal with it as long as i have tried. Its a win win situation if you think more about it. 3 time in 2 hour per session. Its a volunteer with no paid. And yes i can come next week if you allowed. Then we can have another end mark decision.

Thank you

nah.. boleh ke macamni? can you suggest any other ideas?

JOBSEEKER,@tH

pokok

untuk menjadi sebatang pokok. pokok itu harus bersaing antara pokok pokok yang lain.. jika hidup.. bernafaslah ia.. tumbuh tinggi.. masih rapuh.. ada juga yang sasa.. mengikut jenis keturunan dan baka.. mengikut didikan dan suntikan kasih serta belaian..

Menjadi sebatang pokok tumbuh kuat, tinggi dan gah bukan perkara sukar dan tidaklah mudah.. tiada yang tidak indah dalam proses pokok membesar.. dan tidaklah juga indah sentiasa.. ada hari ditimpa hujan, petir, kilat dan ribut.. ada hari matahari terang benderang.. panas mencengkam ke perut bumi tanpa rasa titisan air bumi.. menjadi pokok.. se gah pokok berdiri antara pokok lain.. tidak mahu pentingkn diri ingin berbahagi kelebihan.. akhirnya mungkin dimakan diri.. 

begitulah pokok yang adakalanya menjadi tempat berteduh dan adakalanya menjadi tempat berkepentingan hal lain.. namun pokok masih tetap berjasa... masih tetap berdiri hingga nafas akhirnya.. dipanah petir mahupun dipotong potong badannya.. sedang pokok lain bersedih tp hidup mesti diteruskn dengan berjuang untuk terus memberi manfaat.. 

pokok.. penuh misteri.. semakin tinggi.. semakin berani.. mengeluarkan dahan dahan dan sekali lagi perlu bersaing..sekali lgi melalui proses proses seperti pokok.. namun kedaan makin rapuh.. makin halus.. jika rapuh terlalu awal sudah mengalah.. jika tidak bersedia tiba tiba sudah ditanah.. dipatah patah dan di pijak pijak.. namun tetap dahan mahupun pokok tetap saja masih berguna..  

siapa tidak mahu menjadi si pokok.. tapi tidak juga lahirnya hanya dahan dahan.. 

pokok,

tH

sensitive is wrong.. Aha

hi.. in a week i hv another post.. aha.. something might happened to me again...uhuuuu..

btw. most of us always think that sensitive is wrong.. emo is wrong.. meanwhile do they know sensitive is parts of emotion.. is parts of feelings..do we have to ignore those feelings that is obviously abusing us.. no.. for those people who is *kononnya not being sensitive.. or strong enough handle their emotion will have those judgemental.. would hurt.. would give pain and being annoyed.. and they will argue and they won the arguement.. that funny right.. ohh one more things.. they will make we feel wrong after they do wrong to us.. hahh.. easy to them.. 

being mad was not sensitive.. never been an emotional.. reason？  no.. do not please to put ur shoes in that sensitive.. over.. emo person.. oh whatsoever... no.. but please give some respect.. not implement bullying in life for how perfect your life is.. 

if you think for a joke.. then you better be a joker.. or maybe a clown.. but for info.. s clown made people lifted not being unlifted.. kelakar？ haa.. for a bad mouthing clown.. 

jika lidah itu tajam dari mata pedang.. then you would not that brave to give that speech！ orang yang tidak emo tidak akan rasa penulisan begini.. oh.. bukan kejam pun kan...

if you give them an explanation then they ignore.. then better shut up.. slam the door..

hater nope hateee

teamoHada

anxious

hi guys... i do not know who i hello for.. there is no reader except by myself.. ouhh pity me.. btw.. last night i wrote something that worry me..  but my nephew came and we talk.. of course i do not want them to see what do i wrote then i quickly left that post without saving into draft.. then i lost them.. fortunately even though i lose those post, i feel some ease after that. like someone is hear my talk.. 

anyway, i still want to share it into my blog.. something is came up which is little hurt my feelings last nightl.. auchh how do i rewrite again.. 10/6/2020 i

last night i heard something that he is already made the decission without asking my opinion and i have no right to object while im being little bit sensitive. my thought not that important.. either im agree or not there is no matter because i hv nothing to give back.. maybe im worry for something that not yet happened because we never know what is look like our future it is.. 

o'Allah i seek for forgiveness.. i know i keep counting my wrong for many blessing you shower me.. and i still keep asking you.. O'Allah.. you know for something i do not.. but i hope i  can be strong for anything that you tested me.. O'Allah if just i do not please to take me with you.. i do not want to be a burden, nor a fighter.. o'Allah.. if i was all alone by myself then i seek for you to do not leave me all alone by myself.. let me feel your presence of your love..

these shall pass too.. and i hope for good..

anxious

tH

Mother do you see me?

Hi. Meet again. It's because something yang menganggu hati ini.. Akal ini..jiwa ini.. Adakah aku redha? Adakah aku rebel.. Why it has to be like this.. 

Allah is loved.. Allah is the greater.. Allah is the creater.. He can give us live and can take our breath.. I know... But why is it hard.. To let it go..  

How are you mother? Are you sad when I'm behaving like this? I wish you are not scared.. You are treated like a queen.. You feel love... You can have everything you wish.. Mother.. Are you seeing me here? Up down nowhere to go.. Everything is hard and tough.. I know if you are around I don't share this with you..  But things is not in my control.. I can't believe you are not around anymore.. And I can't even know you see me.. And worst part I scared you are sad when seeing how bad your daughter is... Mother.. I want to be better.. For you... So you can proud and say yes that's my daughter! But day by days I'm getting worst..  I forgot how blessings my life is.. I had hatred.. I get sick of bullshit then I give everyone middle finger... I currently curse a lot... I hate and sometimes I feel want to just kill everyone who cross the limit... Mother.. Do you see me?  How I control myself? How I told myself? How strugglling myself to calm me down... They just don't know... And I don't know if you see this mother... 

Do not be sad..  You are not wrong.. I'm the one who don't care of myself.. I will take care of myself.. No matter how cruel it is.. No matter how great my day is.. I will take care of my own way..  If you see.. Please pray for my safe.. 

Wherethewill

tH

sensitive yes I do

At the moment, all I knew was that I felt hurt and needed to step away and think. Was I right to feel hurt or was I overreacting? She was scolding me, but what she said wasn’t wrong or even particularly cruel, so why was I upset?

After a few minutes, my friend came outside to where I had been brooding. "Oh, come on," she said, with unconcealed exasperation. “Don’t be a weirdo.”

Bam, there it was—a cunningly camouflaged version of an accusation I’ve heard and hated all my life: “You’re too sensitive.”

I’ve long believed that “you’re too sensitive” is what people say when they’ve said or done something unkind and want you to believe that they haven’t. I’ve considered it a form of gaslighting. Still, when you hear something often enough, you eventually consider the possibility that it might be

I’m not talking about being a highly sensitive person (HSP), as described by Elaine Aron: HSP is more of a holistic sensory issue. I’m talking about people like me, whose feelings can be hurt by offhand remarks; people who don’t take well to teasing or could be described as thin-skinned.

I don’t know if there’s a connection between introversion and that kind of sensitivity but I can see that it might be possible. First, introverts have an unfortunate tendency to ruminate, which can turn an insult into an infection. We tend not to be quick with comebacks, which, if we were, could help turn teasing into harmless repartee. We might—and this is one of my “problems”—need time to process our thoughts when something strikes us wrong, which other people interpret as sulking.

But even so—is it fair to consider this too sensitive? What is too sensitive? Am I really an overly sensitive weirdo, or am I just ... sensitive? And is that really such a bad thing, or is it just a thing? Should I toughen up? Is that even possible? Or was I right all along in thinking that my sensitivity is protection from people who don’t have my best interests at heart?

Now...  I think that all..  Do you still I'm enjoy being this situation? Sensitive was not bad at all. I'm feel what I felt.. Sometimes we forget what we have feel and hurt someone else with our word.. We once in the situation.. We forgot once we passed the situation.. And turned out we comebacks as unkind people.. To fight the emotional thought was not easy.. Being mad was not wrong but being unkind is totally worst.. I do that almost everytime I feel insecure.. Triggered.. Anxiety.. Its worst moments where you want to believed you will be okay but you are not.. It is a moment when you wanna to stop the time ticking.. People blowing a word telling how sensitive you are..  Without realizing they hurting your inner peace.. Is okay.. Accept that.. Yes.. You sensitive.. You hurt.. And there's nothing wrong with that.. Deal with that... Whatever you feel.. 

Being kind cost nothing 

That's personality 

Silent 

tH