Saturday, April 14, 2018

I need a break

Long time.  A very long time.
Assalamualaikum and Salam Israk Mikhraj. May Allah guide and bless us in everything we doing. Insyaallah.

Sigh.  It was a long night.  Yesterday and the day before yesterday night. A very long night. I could not close my eyes.  My mind keep talk and talk. I many time to stop in whatever saying in mind. close my ear and eyes. But nothing is working for me even my body don't cooperate. Poorly me. 

What's in mind that keep hunting me to real talk but I just cant.  I'm very sick.  Sick.  Even here I just cannot typing what is that actually. Im tottaly feeling insecure. I don't really not know why.

My life. Nothing good.  I keep doing the same thing. I get easily bored and frustrated by myself. I want something else but I never have a chance. I keep remembering history. I scared a lot. I blamed myself for not being good in past so in present . I never forget the pain I have been through and hateful. I never change. And I kept all by myself. I lies myself.

I want to scream.  I want my voice can be heard.  I want tells everything that give my heart so much pain.  I hate for this. Because I knew people will never understand. They will saying I'm weak.  They will saying I'm stupid.  They will saying I'm ugly not mature enough. Yes yes yes.  I don't. And never move on.

My brain just not working well.  My heart beating so fast. My blood is running not in direction.  My body is getting weak. I'm tired.  Everytime this happened. I never get ease or peace. I got headache. I got toothache.i got stomach ache. I restless. My emotion swing to South to the North to the west to the east.  Keep rounding and bouncing.

I tried so hard to get my mentally balance. I listen positive talk.  I subscribed so many inspired website. I working really hard. I playing a lot.  I go to shopping. I enjoy seeing beach. I talk to people. I cook.  I wash.  I clean. I go travel.  I enjoy food.  But this is not even last for an hour. After I finished my task. That sick coming back. Allah.  I want to ask why. Why I can't even afford to face a small test when you give a big big test to others. Please Allah.  Forgive me. For being this weak.


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